Parent newsletter articles: " What Children Need"

This series of parent newsletter articles may be reprinted without charge by nonprofit organizations including schools, if the  ending line showing who wrote them and giving this web site URL is included. I welcome your feedback and your ideas.

MOTIVATION:
I was out on the playground today, with eager students everywhere, and thought the beginning of the school year would be a good time to write about motivation
Research teaches us how to help students develop motivation. We can:

• Help students see that learning makes them happy. Reflect back the pride we see on their faces: "You look proud of what you did." "You can read so much better than you used to." Students tell me they feel proud when they learn. When we help them pay attention to this feeling, we help develop internal motivation.
• Help them understand the connection between hard work and learning. We have learned that telling students: "You're so smart" can lead to them trying less instead of more. Saying instead "You really practiced!" or "You got right to work and now your homework is done" helps kids understand that success comes from hard work. As some of my young friends said last year: "It's not about how hard the work is. What matters is how hard you work."
• Praise children by telling them what you see them doing right. "You remembered to take the trash out by yourself." "You helped your brother" "You controlled yourself when they yelled at you." This kind of praise helps kids make good decisions, because it helps them focus on their positive actions.
• Spend time with children playing, talking, reading, and having fun together. Children whose parents spend lots of time with them do better in life.
• Have a few household rules and follow through on them consistently. For more information about motivation, I recommend two books: Edward Deci's Why We Do What We Do and Carol Dweck's Self-Theories.

A fourth grader wrote last year:
"Even with schoolwork I don't like at first, doing it with my full attention makes it fun." If children learn this lesson, they will have better lives.
© 2004 Stan Davis, author of Schools Where Everyone Belongs, http://www.stopbullyingnow.com ; reprinted with permission

TWO TYPES OF PRAISE

We can tell young people they are smart, or tell them that they worked hard. Does it make a difference?

I used to tell kids they were smart, or caring, or talented. Then I found the research of Dr. Carol Dweck, who found that young people who are praised in this way- for their traits- have a hard time when things go wrong. She found that kids who think: “I did well on that assignment, and that means I’m smart” may feel stupid when they do badly on an assignment. These students would only raise their hands when they were sure they were right, and would stop trying if they got bad grades. I think of the music teacher who told me: “I never tell my students they have a gift for music, because when I do they stop practicing!”

On the other hand, when we tell children what we see them doing, we help them realize that learning takes hard work. Instead of saying to themselves: “I’m smart” they say, “I try hard and don’t give up.” Dweck found that these students keep trying when the work gets harder.

We can say: “You kept practicing until you learned to ride your bike!” “You helped your sister when you reminded her to bring her snack,” “You used good table manners at the restaurant,” “You got ready for bed on time.” “You kept working- and you finished your homework.” “You controlled yourself when you had to wait.”

© 2004 Stan Davis, author of Schools Where Everyone Belongs, http://www.stopbullyingnow.com ; reprinted with permission

WHAT ABOUT I-MESSAGES?

Many of us were trained to tell young people how we feel about their behavior. Dr. Carol Bluestein writes in “What’s Wrong with I-messages?” (http://www.janebluestein.com/articles/whatswrong.html) that when we say frequently: “I am disappointed in you;” “I am proud when you act kindly;” or “I am so happy you are doing your work,” we are telling our children that they are responsible for how we feel. Children who behave just to make adults happy may rebel, and switch to defying adults as they grow older. 

            I think it works better to tell young people:

“I saw you help your brother;” “You didn’t give up and now your room is all cleaned up!” “You brought your grades up from C to A.” “Your teacher told me you have been doing all your work.” A young person once called this kind of statement an "eye-message". We tell children what we SEE.

            And how do we tell kids we love them and are proud to be their parents? Spending time with them tells them that. “I love you” notes in their lunchbox tell them that. And our tone of voice when we tell them the good things we see them doing tells them that.

© 2004 Stan Davis, author of Schools Where Everyone Belongs, http://www.stopbullyingnow.com ; reprinted with permission

WHAT ABOUT REWARDS?

            There are many different ideas about rewarding good behavior. Many people believe that children shouldn’t need rewards to do the right thing. Others find that small rewards help improve behavior. I have found it useful to think about what kinds of rewards work better than others. After all, even adults sometimes get rewards for working hard. In this series of articles I will present some ways to think about rewards.

There are many different types of reward. Here’s one that works well:

·        As-soon-as rewards. This an effective way to use the natural, small rewards that come from good behavior: “As soon as you are ready for bed, you can have a story,” “When your homework is done you can go out and play,” “As soon as you finish your vegetables you can have dessert.” As-soon-as rewards make sense to kids and help them learn. Note: I am not suggesting that we say to children: “As soon as you stop fussing I will change my mind and get you that toy.” Once parents or teachers say no, kids need to learn that crying, having tantrums, or screaming won’t make us give in.

© 2004 Stan Davis, author of Schools Where Everyone Belongs, http://www.stopbullyingnow.com ; reprinted with permission

WHAT ABOUT REWARDS? Part 2

Little rewards can help children learn to behave. Small rewards help get young people excited about their positive behavior. “We will put a star on this chart every time you remember to take out the garbage. When there are ten stars on the chart you get to have your favorite lunch at school.”  “When you use good manners I will put a marble in this jar. When the jar is full we will play a special game.” This kind of reward lets children track their progress toward a goal. Note that, for many children, the stars on the chart may work even without the favorite lunch. The stars can be a powerful symbol of “I did the right thing.”  I found some fascinating research in Dr. William Damon’s book Greater Expectations.  Dr. Damon says that large rewards (a trip to Disney World, a dirt bike), like large punishments, may actually distract young people from improving behavior, because students think about the reward rather than about what they have to do to earn it.

S© 2004 Stan Davis, author of Schools Where Everyone Belongs, http://www.stopbullyingnow.com ; reprinted with permission

WHAT ABOUT REWARDS? Part 3

In many ways, the best most effective rewards are attention rewards. We can spend extra time playing with children when they do what we want. “You’ve been following directions all week, so let’s play some games to celebrate.” “You both helped me in the store by following directions; let’s have an extra story tonight.”  This kind of reward lets kids earn what they want most- fun time with us. We show our appreciation for their positive actions when we reward this way.

What kinds of rewards don’t usually work for children in elementary school?

·        Big rewards. If you a fourth-grader gets a snowmobile for good grades now, what kinds of rewards will she want by high school?

·        Long-term rewards: “If you do your homework every day until April, you can go to Florida with us.” We will always be tempted to give them one more chance after another so they don’t give up. That tells the student that we don’t mean what we say.

·        “OK, you can have a toy- if you just ask nicely.”  This is also known as ‘letting our kids wear us down.’ It can be hard to stick to a “no.” But if kids learn they can control us through whining or begging, their behavior will get worse and worse.

© 2004 Stan Davis, author of Schools Where Everyone Belongs, http://www.stopbullyingnow.com ; reprinted with permission

BOARD AND CARD GAMES TO TEACH SOCIAL SKILLS

Monopoly. Cribbage. Uno. Sorry. Concentration. Checkers. Chess. Mastermind.  Rummy. Go fish. Othello. These games are different from most video games because two or more people play them together. Games teach kids to take turns, to share, and to handle winning (and losing) politely. Many of these games also teach language and math skills. When we play these games with our children, we help them learn key skills they will need for friendship, cooperation, and school success.

            Here are a few suggestions for game play with children:

-         Play games you yourself enjoy. There are lots of games. If you enjoy the game, your child(ren) will have more fun playing with you.

-         Insist that children play by the rules, though you may modify rules for a young player. Learning to follow rules and take turns is a very important lesson.

-         Help kids learn to play the games themselves- teach them to count, help them remember which way the turn passes, and so on.

-         It’s fine to have different rules for older and younger kids, to make things more equal- younger kids might roll two dice while older kids roll one, younger kids might start with more ‘money.’ Once you have made these changes, I have found that ‘letting them win’ if they cry, scream, or complain is a bad idea- it teaches young people that rules don’t count.

-         Compliment children for their fair play and the fun they had, instead of just focusing on winning or losing.

© 2004 Stan Davis, author of Schools Where Everyone Belongs, http://www.stopbullyingnow.com ; reprinted with permission

TEACHING KIDS TO BE RESPONSIBLE- Part 1

The first week of school I talked with all the first grades. What, I asked, was the rule that applies everywhere at school? “Be nice to other kids- don’t hit, kick, or call names,” they said. I let them know they were right.

“What happens if you break that rule?” I asked.

“You stay in at recess,” they said.

“Right,” I said. “Who decides if you go out to recess or stay in?” I asked.

They answered: “Mrs. Reynolds” “Our teachers” “The bodyguards outside.”

Only after some discussion did the students in each class tell me that they decide whether they earn or lose recess. One student finally said: “I decide if I stay in or go out, because I am the boss of my body and my brain- and I decide if I hit or not.” Then all the other students agreed. “Who decides if you go out?” “US!”

© 2004 Stan Davis, author of Schools Where Everyone Belongs, http://www.stopbullyingnow.com ; reprinted with permission

TEACHING KIDS TO BE RESPONSIBLE- Part 2

Here are a few suggestions:

-         Be consistent. If you say “You can only see the movie if your room is cleaned up before it starts,” stick to what you said. That way kids learn that their actions control what happens to them.

-         Talk about your rules, so everyone in your home expects the same things of children.

-         Use language that helps young people take responsibility. Tell them they listened or followed directions, instead of telling them that they “were good.” Tell them: “You can’t watch TV tonight because you hit your brother,” instead of “I had to take your TV tonight.” Tell them: “You get an extra story because you helped set the table without being asked,” instead of “I decided to read you an extra story.”

-         When young people do something wrong, encourage them to tell you what they did, without making excuses or minimizing. “I called my sister an idiot” instead of “I called her an idiot because she was bugging me” or “I only called her an idiot.”  Praise them for their honesty. They may still earn a punishment for their actions. Taking responsibility doesn’t undo what they did, but it helps them not do it again.

-         Start children with small chores and move up to bigger ones as they grow up.

-         Praise them for their good choices: “I see you decided to get sit right down and get your homework done.”

© 2004 Stan Davis, author of Schools Where Everyone Belongs, http://www.stopbullyingnow.com ; reprinted with permission

WHAT ABOUT CONSEQUENCES? Part 1

Let’s begin with the basics. How do young children learn to behave? Consider, for example, how young people learn to wear mittens when the weather is cold. The three-year-old may say to her father, “I don’t want to wear my mittens.” Her father may decide that it is not cold enough to insist. He says to his daughter, 

with a smile, “You know what your body needs.”  Fifteen minutes later, when the child realizes her hands are cold, she may want to put on her mittens. The father again says, smiling, “You know what your body needs.” The child learns from natural consequences and not from a struggle between child and parent. The parent-child relationship is strengthened by this learning process because the parent can commend the child for learning. The learning is durable because anyone else who goes outside in the same temperature also gets cold. The longer the child stays outside, the colder her hands get. In learning from natural consequences, there are no other factors to interfere with durable cause-effect learning. Without power struggles or anguish, children learn efficiently and relatively painlessly. Children are more likely to remember the lesson. What about times when the natural consequences aren’t safe or immediate? More about that next week.

© 2004 Stan Davis, author of Schools Where Everyone Belongs, http://www.stopbullyingnow.com ; reprinted with permission

WHAT ABOUT CONSEQUENCES? Part 2

Last week I wrote about natural consequences.

We are not always willing to let young people experience the natural consequences of their actions. For example, our 11-year-old daughter Julia left our house on her bike to go swimming, towel draped over the handlebars.  

On a steep down-hill between our house and the swimming hole, the towel caught in the spokes of the front wheel and stopped the bike, sending Julia headfirst onto the asphalt surface of the road. The natural consequence of not wearing a helmet could have been serious. As it was, her helmet split in two and she walked home. How do we duplicate the benefits of natural consequences when we do not want young people to experience the natural results of their actions? We can do this by creating consequences that are similar to natural consequences in one critical way: calm inevitability.  

We might tell a child that her bike will be locked up for a month if she rides without a helmet once, that her bike will be locked up for two months if she rides without a helmet twice, and that her bike will be sold if she rides without a helmet three times. We then follow through with these consequences, with all our children equally, no matter what the situation. And we show them that we mean what we say by wearing a helmet ourselves when we ride. We act without warnings, nagging, anger, or disappointment. Over time, our children learn that we mean it when we say, “If you…then….”More about rules and consequences next week.

© 2004 Stan Davis, author of Schools Where Everyone Belongs, http://www.stopbullyingnow.com ; reprinted with permission

WHAT ABOUT CONSEQUENCES? Part3

The point of any consequence is to help children learn. They will learn best if the rule applies to everyone in the house, if every adult enforces rules and consequences the same way, if consequences are used with positive emotional tone and without anger, and if we don’t back down.

What consequences work? 

            For younger students, sitting in a chair for a minute for each year of their age is an effective consequence, or being sent to their rooms for a short time.

For older students, losing privileges may work better. Many of our children have lots of privileges and activities that they can lose. They can lose TV, the use of the phone, video games, time with friends, and many other activities. 

                        Either way, consequences will work best when we use very few warnings and when we let kids know that they earned the consequence by their own actions. 

            “Sorry- you didn’t do your chores, so there’s no TV tonight. Maybe tomorrow you will earn TV” will work better than “If you don’t do your chores I will take away your TV.” 

© 2004 Stan Davis, author of Schools Where Everyone Belongs, http://www.stopbullyingnow.com ; reprinted with permission

WHAT ABOUT CONSEQUENCES? Part 4

Here are a few specific suggestions about consequences:

If the rule is “no hitting,” I have found we do best if we don’t try to figure out who started the fight. If we want no hitting, we should not spend a lot of time asking why the child hit. I think we do better if we point out that the child knew other ways to solve problems, and that the consequence will help them remember to use those other ways. Later we might ask the child to tell us some of those other ways to solve the problem.

            If the rule is: “Talk politely to adults and follow directions,” I have found that we do best if we make sure not to respond angrily to kids who talk back. Letting them know that we are a little sad that they have chosen to lose TV or the phone or some other privilege works better. When kids know they can’t get us into a fight, they are less likely to talk back.

            If the rule is “Put your things away” or “Take out the garbage” we can use a consequence that doesn’t have to involve talking. Things that kids choose not to put away can vanish and be stored in the attic for a while. Kids who choose not to take out the garbage may find that WE take it out- and then that they have to pay us for doing that when they get their next allowance.

            Clear, consistent rules and small, consistent consequences are an important part of a parent’s toolkit.

© 2004 Stan Davis, author of Schools Where Everyone Belongs, http://www.stopbullyingnow.com ; reprinted with permission

SUMMARY: WHAT RESEARCH SAYS ABOUT SUCCESSFUL PARENTING

Children are more likely to grow up to be happy and productive if they grow up in homes where:

• They learn to feel good about trying hard and doing their best;
• They learn that THEY make their own lives better or worse by the decisions they make;
• They learn to solve problems by coming up with many possible plans and choosing the best one;
• They spend a lot of time with adults doing things that both adults and kids enjoy;
• They are praised for what they do rather than for what they are;
• And where adults set and enforce clear, consistent rules and consequences.

Researchers have found that this type of parenting, which combines warmth and involvement with clear, consistent limits, leads to the best outcomes for children.

You will find a good summary of this research on parenting styles at http://www.ericdigests.org/1999-4/parenting.htm

© 2004 Stan Davis, author of Schools Where Everyone Belongs, http://www.stopbullyingnow.com ; reprinted with permission